jacob-saul-portillo:

It seems like I try really hard in relationships with people, and the more I try the more painful it gets for me. But if I didn’t try, there would be no relationship. If it wasn’t for me constantly rekindling the small flame, it would burn out in a moment. It hurts. A lot. And I’ve come to this fork in the road where I can give up and stop trying, or continue to try and try and hope that the other embraces community and relationship. I sit up in bed and cry and hurt trying to figure it all out. God’s given me this gift of empathy, where I can hurt for others in pain and mourn with others who are mourning. And I want to steward well this capability knowing that God has given me this in order to build others up in their intimacy with God. But lately it’s come to this bitter point to where it’s no longer a gift but a curse. I grow weary and burdened for those around me. And yet when I open my hand to walk alongside those who I feel pain for, I am left with a disconnect and a feeling of lonesomeness as I desperately and painfully try to keep the closing door of community open. It’s this gift in me that allows me to feel for others, but when I feel for others in a way that harms me, I hurt. When others aren’t in community with me, I try and come alongside them, trying to keep this relationship going. But there isn’t a mutual connection of the two individuals becoming one body but more of one person trying with all their might to no avail, and it’s defeating. My heart is burdened. My soul is weak. Lord, give me rest and wisdom. Renew my mind and restore the joy of Your salvation. Show me how to steward well this gift You’ve given me. This is my prayer tonight.

And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up.

- Galatians 6:9

(via jacobsaulportillo-deactivated20)